Pods

Posted by dulwichmum on Tue 31 July 2007

So yes, sadly we have returned to Dulwich from our annual sojourn by the sea. It was reported in the press at the weekend that a Great White was observed swimming in the local waters frightening the tourists and putting off the surfers. Big Ana (our clinically obese, pregnant blonde au pair) had spent days body boarding in the surf with the delighted children…

Why do people insist on putting those enormous ugly luggage pods on the top of their cars when driving up and down the motorway? There were literally dozens of them on the M3 yesterday. Couldn’t they simply drive a bigger car like mine?

I wonder how those pods work anyway? How do you get them on top of your car without spoiling the paint work?

Surely they must be packed like a great big Delsey suitcase prior to being attached to the car? I imagine they are fabric lined, with little pouches for shoes and dividers so that appliances like hair straightening irons and hair dryers do not rub against white jeans or crack open shampoo or Kerastase hair treatment containers? I mean, it must surely be packed in the house or else how could one sit on it to ensure that it closed? But then, if it is packed first how would it be safely lifted onto the roof of the car?

Ana couldn’t possibly pack it already in situ on top of the car. All of the neighbours would be sure to see the contents…

Perhaps filled pods are lowered onto cars via a specially constructed tripod and pulley or even from an upstairs window? But then how would it be removed and unpacked upon arrival? What if your pod were to spring open on the motorway, I would die if my underwear to end up in the hands of a lorry driver!

Oh the conundrum that is the pod.

I don’t much like the idea of those roof bicycle racks either, they look very precarious.

I strapped some chicken giblets to the under side of Ana’s board yesterday morning when she was exercising just before we left, just to check for any “predators” in the bay, so I can safely say there are no sharks currently in Cornwall. Though I must admit that Ana was badly nibbled by a shoal of Mackerel…

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 The Eden Project

Posted by dulwichmum on Fri 27 July 2007

This morning we set off in the super Audi Q7 for The Eden Project. Don’t you simply despise such highly accoladed, socially conscientious, positively compulsory entertainment experiences? Similar in ways to films like Schindler’s List; ‘a must see,’ but not fun and bloody depressing?

Oh well, the munchkins would have been sure to deny that we had been there despite the availability of Eden Project post cards in the hotel lobby, so we set out for the day like lemmings.

Having parked in the ‘Banana’ car park area (we could have parked in Melon, Lime or Strawberry) my girls (au pair and PA) took the children for the Eco grand tour, while I perused the shopping emporia. I have purchased an entire new set of Eco shopping bags, they will ensure that every other Dulwich mum will be seething with jealousy. The bags are bright primary coloured Eco friendly jute with “The Eden Project” emblazoned across the front and crucially not available for purchase on-line! I shall throw out my less fashionable collection of M&S/Sainsbury’s Eco bags immediately upon my return to Dulwich.

I do not mean to detract from the Eco message in any way, I am aware that the unfortunate population of Greece and other Mediterranean countries have been experiencing ‘furnace like temperatures’ this summer whilst middle England is up to its bottom in river water, and so dramatic measures are called for. I am actually rather proud of my Eden Project cutting collection which I gathered this afternoon (an enormous designer handbag and nail scissors have many uses!). I have tobacco (Grandpa Charles would be lost without his cigars and Wales has been heating up somewhat of late) grapes (a girl needs her sustenance) cocoa plant (chocolate – ditto), tea (I always look after my darling mother)and on the way out I ordered a great fruiting lemon tree to be delivered to my home upon my return. What would a G&T be without it? Well, with all of this pre-occupation with global warming – it would seem complacent not to, don’t you agree? Shortages of essential fruit and vegetables are apparently just around the corner.

I met the munchkins and my help by the exit, and took darling Freya to the toilet in preparation for our car journey home. My dumpling was vocal in her disgust regarding the condition of the conveniences. The water in the area is clearly thick with limescale, and the toilets have been terribly stained by yellow ‘water’ type marks.

“Mummy,” shrieked my baby,

“these Eden people have not been using Toilet Duck.”

“I know darling,” I confirmed.

I was just grateful that I had a pocket pack of Kleenex Tissues in my bag, I could not bear to inflict the dreadful Eco toilet tissue on my darlings nether regions – surely a hardship too far!

A sudden downpour of rain on our short walk to the car followed and the dreadful Eco shopping bags have completely ruined my brand new Boden white jeans. I am disgusted, they are covered in Indigo blue dye. These Eco people are far too driven in my estimation. I fear there are unspeakable hardships ahead of us all.

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