Image is everything!

Posted by dulwichmum on Sun 30 November 2008

I take great pains to look “on trend”, fabulous and youthful which is no small achievement for a woman with two exuberant young children – no longer in her thirties twenties… Most retailers seem to forget that not every girl on the planet is aged between 25 and 30 (sigh). I intend to age gracefully, I am not as raunchy or muscle bound as Madonna (GASP) but am keen to avoid the SAGA look too (inhales deeply whilst clutching chest). There is such a difficult balance to be struck.

Just last month, in response to my wistful enquiry, a certain celebrity hairdresser suggested that I update my image by wearing “a swept up do like Sarah Palin.” How dare he? We do not hunt moose in Dulwich, (stamps foot and pouts).

The answer I had been expecting of the floppy haired coiffeur was a simple “No, of course not sweetie”. His faux pas could herald the end of a wonderful relationship… the lipstick wearing pit bull look is not for me.

However, I realise that I can no longer take my stunning youthful good looks and pert physique for granted (sigh). I adore vertiginous heels but have noticed the gnarled up toes of several stars in a recent copy of my au pair’s Heat Magazine. Victoria Beckham appears to have developed the trotters of a bird of prey, allegedly caused by her addiction to high heeled shoes which result in bunions, crooked and unattractive toes, corns, and ingrown toenails.

In an effort to rest her feet on casual days, last year my friend Vashi succumbed to the vile craze for brightly coloured plastic clogs. I wouldn’t be caught dead in a pair of those dishwasher proof shoes…

“You should see what Fitflops can do for your posture sweetie” she insisted just this summer. “Not quite as much as a pair of 3 inch Laboutins” I purred. “I walk taller just knowing I own a wardrobe choc full of them…”

“I will never be seen wearing a shoe that could be termed therapeutic,” I sneered, but then I started to think… I am no luddite you know, I am a compulsive “Googler” after all. Online, I read that high heels force the hamstring to work proportionally harder than our posterior muscles – the ‘gluteus maximus’. As a result, our rears don’t get a proper workout when wearing heels and ‘baggy bum’ sets in (OHMYGOD).

Immediately I concluded that I should make an effort to balance my heel wearing days out, and protect my perfect physique. I could select some incredibly expensive shoes, based on Massai Barefoot Technology, developed in Switzerland and made in Korea. No-one will ever call me a fashion victim…

“I suppose I could wear them for driving” – I reasoned.

I popped into the Kings Road yesterday evening for a quick browse and almost inhaled my own teeth when I viewed these vile therapeutic MBT Wellington boots.

This afternoon I have purchased a Power Plate online, and I shall thus ensure that I maintain my toned derriere. As far as I can see, there is never any excuse for ugly footwear, and as a true Recessionista I shall save my pennies and get good use from the shoes I already own. James will be so very proud!

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 DULWICH MUM PHRASE GUIDE

Posted by dulwichmum on Thu 27 November 2008

Clearly: This is the word Dulwich Mums use when they are sure they are right and all subordinates (including husbands) need to be quiet.

Don’t worry about it: Another dangerous statement, usually referring to something that a Dulwich Mum has told a minion to do several times, but is now having to do herself. This can often result in an enquiry such as ‘What’s wrong?’ (For the Dulwich Mum’s response refer to “Nothing”).

Five Minutes: If a Dulwich Mum is getting dressed, this actually means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if a Dulwich Dad has just been given five more minutes to watch the rugby before driving her to her chosen location (and she has decided to change her shoes).

Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!

Hothousing: Standard Dulwich parenting practice and denied by Dulwich parents everywhere (phonics flashcards and Omega 3 fish oils from birth, Muzzy French from one year, extra tuition in all subjects from age 3, viola and bassoon Grade 8 by age 10, Mandarin club “just for fun”).

Loud sigh: This is actually a word, often misunderstood by minions including Dulwich Dads. A loud sigh denotes when a Dulwich Mum has concluded that someone is an idiot and she is wondering why she has wasted a valuable networking opportunity in the playground with them (refer back to the meaning of nothing).

NOCD: Not Our Class Darling – refers to all non Dulwich behaviour (allowing the progeny to consume fried food, shopping at Lidl, the wearing of cheap shoes, the execution of all domestic and household tasks including childcare, reading The Guardian or any other tabloid newspaper).

Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This always means something extremely significant, and you are advised to be on your toes (arguments that begin with “Nothing” usually end in “Clearly”).

OHMYGOD: Standard exclamation denoting extremes of emotion from happiness to horror.

Thanks: If a Dulwich Mum thanks you, simply reply “you’re welcome” (unless she says ‘Thanks a lot’ – which is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say ‘you’re welcome’ … that will elicit a “Whatever”).

That’s fine: This is one of the most dangerous statements a Dulwich mum can make. That’s fine means she wants to take time out to consider how she will make you someone pay for their mistake.

Whatever: Is a Dulwich Mum’s way of saying F*CK YOU!

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