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In my experience, four distinct types of female are to be observed on a Mark Warner holiday.
Type 1 Mark Warner Woman resembles an unkempt version of Holly Willoughby. Wild blonde hair, “super” accent, ample bosom, actually – ample everything (including breast pads)! Organic clothes, organic skincare and cloth nappies. Three poppets under 5, husband limbering up beside her at the breakfast table wearing slightly faded tennis whites; “I like to hit the ground running sweetie”. Practicing his stroke at the waitresses bottom, feigns commitment to wife’s organic ideals, but secretly wishes the laundry could look cleaner. Geoff was so traumatised by the cluster of flies swarming all over the cheese and pudding buffet at supper last night that he spends most meal times tutting at the wine list, ordering random items that may come in a sealed pack (I will have the crackers and do you have dry roasted nuts?) and laughing far too loud and too long at anything said by the pretty waitresses – while trying to conceal his OCD…
Type 2 MWW is slim, sinewy, lycra clad and has a yoga mat tucked beneath her chair at breakfast. She is highly strung, starved of male attention and devoid of facial expression (either Prozac or Botox but probably both). She has expensive sporty sun glasses/great nails and never dries her own hair. Jessica counts down the seconds until her munchkins can be dispatched to kids club: “Hurry darlings you are late for scho… club”. Her husband is off at the crack of dawn playing golf or cycling up a mountain (“Networking is the name of the game sweetie!”). Since the second day he avoids the pool as the ever present floating baby’s poo (thanks for that MWW1) and general air of grubbyness puts him on edge as it reminds him of sad times at boarding school after his parents’ divorce.
Type 3 MWW has a ruddy complexion, a full blonde mustache beard, polo shirt, deck shoes and a Boden “Fun” skirt. Her three sons sitting opposite her at supper are not having “Fun” at all. She is bitterly divorced. Gilly talks crisply of “consequences” to be dished out back at the room later for “bad behavior” – Milo dared to look glum as he is not old enough to join his brothers (Crispen and Jonty) on their kayaking course, and mummy is now playing mind games with him as he looks far too much like his father. “I have waited for months to spend quality time with you”, she shrieks. Everyone, including the stray cats are terrified of her… The boys, wearing identical “Winchester” or other trophy boarding school T-shirts, are well aware that they are her only remaining status symbols and she will have her pound of flesh…
Type 4 MWW appears to be blissfully unaware of how much she pisses off nettles the first three types. Dawn is groomed to perfection, but does not dress for other women, has all manner of oversized accessories including sunglasses, diamonds, blonde curls, false eyelashes, silicon breasts, false nails, a dirty laugh, a sense of fun, and the guilty but fascinated attentions of her three recently acquired pubescent step sons and older husband husband…
You know I suspect that woman actually enjoys sex (OH MY GOD!!!)…
Our family holiday proved to be the most fun I have had in years. I adore people watching. If it were not for the incredibly slow service, general sense of grubbiness (the filthy toilets in the restaurant and pool were a complete health hazard), I would have said that we are the quintessential Mark Warner target customers. Praia da Luz with either Mark Warner or Thomas Cook is an experience that is to be avoided by anyone who enjoys anything grander than 2 star accommodation (don’t even start me off on the damn flies!).
We have dropped the poppets with mother before high tailing it to Carlisle Bay in Antigua for a week to recover our composure – clearly!
Posted in UncategorizedWordless Wednesday
I have the most super prize today for this Wordless Wednesday Competition!
Come up with the best caption for this picture and you will win either a pair of swishy Polaroid sunglasses for yourself (Roxy) or two pairs for your poppets from Polaroid Sunglasses.co.uk!
I reviewed Polaroid sunglasses recently and I must tell you that I am so very impressed. It is essential to protect our eyes from harmful UV rays, and the glare of sunlight. Not simply to avoid the squinting that can accentuate fine lines and wrinkles, but apparently there may be other damage too…(whispers) who cares?
I have no need to assure you that there isnt anything I would not do to ensure my poppets are afforded every possible advantage in life, so these are definitely what they will be wearing this summer.
