All change
Posted by dulwichmum on Fri 8 January 2010
Several issues have already served to disturb my equilibrium for the beginning of this New Year (sniff). Oui, even here in Utopian Dulwich, extreme weather conditions cause turbulence.
I really am incredibly sensitive and serious you know (blows nose and tries to appear sincere). No, really.
It all began when James suggested a fabulous tropical villa break for the Easter hols, and naturally, one would never dream of long haul travel sans entourage, or at the very least – childcare (tucks Passports into the back of vault concealed within poured concrete kitchen island)…
Our 22 year old au pair is as pert, dewy skinned and innocent looking as a member of the damn Pussycat Dolls, and if I am to travel, sun bathe and frolic in the waves near her, several things have to change (peers seriously over the top of Chanel reading glasses).
I have purchased myself a couple of additional Slendertone appliances for a start (smirk). The apparatus pour les arms, causes my limbs to twitch and flap about wildly, completely out of my control, and the shorts (instruments of the devil!) are too complex and difficult to suit up in. My cockapoo became tangled in the gel pads and wires again this morning and he is now sporting dreadlocks and electricity burns (bless).
An unfortunate accident occurred during an arm toning session just last night and caused me to bop the au pair right on the nose (gasp)!
I adore the abdominal belt (CLENCH and relax, CLENCH and relax, CLENCH and relax), but this regime, coupled with a no carb diet and abstinence from alcohol (OHMYGOD), has served to provide me with an extremely depressing, and I must admit, short-tempered, start to the New Year.
To add insult to injury, Pussy Galore trotted into my open plan kitchen yesterday, returned from her Christmas holiday with a belated Christmas gift; a shoe box, cram packed with home made sweetmeats, delights and fancies pour moi.
How very dare she torture me so!
Naturally I have reported her to the UK Border Agency as smuggling foodstuffs from outside the EC is frightfully illegal, and as her passport has mysteriously gone missing, she is now residing in a detention centre in Kent awaiting deportation…
Job done!
I am, once again, on the hunt for a suitably saggy, snaggletoothed au pair; ugly enough to repulse my man but not that shocking that she frighten my poppets… Now, please excuse me while I shop for swimwear online.
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Frog in the Field said,
Good for you!
snigger
Shall I pour you a celebratory drinlk Sweetie?
Frog in the Field said,
hic!
Rosie Scribble said,
Darling DM, for the last couple of years you seem to be having au pair problems. I am sensing some that some underlying issues are present. Not implying anything, just reporting that I am seeing a trend in your blog post, in the nicest way possible of course. Mwah.
dulwichmum said,
Frog darling,
How very dare you (stomps foot)! Can’t you see that I am trying to cleanse my liver with my super swishy detox regime?
Rosie dear,
I am plagued by “help” that is no help at all (wail). Yes life in Dulwich is cram packed with luxury goods, serfs and high cheek bones, but no-where is completely perfect you know…(sniff)
Pippa said,
I fit the requirements of your advertised position, but I must warn you that I sound very nice on the phone… so best not let me answer it.
Tessie said,
I can totally sympathise with you having to find the next au pair. She must look like Nanny McPhee with the attitude of Mary Poppins and no sex appeal. Hmm back to the search
Nunhead Mum of One said,
Darling, I am plagued almost daily by emails entitled “Au Pair for Work Available Now” so I shall forward some onto you for your perusal. I will not, however, send the one signed Carolina Anceau-Parvez as she sounds lithe, glossy and more than a little bit saucy. Her speciliaities include “sweating out a work out on the Wii-machine”. Not what you need at all dear heart xx
dulwichmum said,
Oh Pippa dear,
I seem to be plagued by foxy minx after foxy minx. What am I to do (sigh)?
Sweet Tessie,
OHMYGOD! You completely understand. I am tortured (wail).
Darling NMoO,
It would not be so bad if I had selected these girls from an email such as Carolina’s. But when I am sent their photo, they are usually milking a goat and wearing a big jumper with ruddy cheeks. However, when they turn up, it is like the next generation of Sugarbabes has turned up on my doorstep (OHMYGOD).
saz said,
perhaps you need to rescue a potential wifey from russian catalogue or better still an alaskan male….for your next au pair…better of two evils methinks….and some eye candy for you in the latter!
Gabs - aka Moobaacluck said,
Darling if only I were free or even FREE, I would make you look treemendous I am sure. I would look horribleu in a bikini and for a goodly sum might put it on and stand next to you for 5 mins so that James could see what a lovely – if possibly high maintenance – fox – you are!
nappyvalleygirl said,
You are making me nostalgic for beautiful Dulwich with your photo, sniff. (Although come to think of it, Dulwich looks rather like the US with its white picket fences and clapboard houses, n’est-ce pas?)
Bonne chance with the au pair hunt…..
Chic Mama said,
Oh I really know what you mean….my children have suffered all week at the wrath of a mummy deprived of wine, chocolate, carbs, dairy……need I say any more.
Yes, you need to interview better suited au pairs. Never ever employ one thinner and more beautiful than yourself- not good for one’s ego!!
dulwichmum said,
Perfect Saz,
From what I hear, those Russian bridal candidates try to make off with ones husband and as for the Alaskan males, they never wipe down ones surfaces…
Darling Gabs,
DO NOT PUT YOURSELF DOWN! You are just divine darling. But it is true that I am a complete fox (bats eyelashes).
Lovely Nappy Valley Girl,
My next post is all for you.
Kind Chic Mama,
I knew that you would understand and we are both on the same page with regard to help.
Daddy Papersurfer said,
I cannot imagine that you are ever short-tempered Mumsy ………. a paragon of calm and toned beauty ……… before you know it, you’ll be the perfect trophy wife ………..
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