You may be aware that I have an aversion to all things Boden (inhales deeply and turns green), but did you know that they intend to launch a new line of maternity wear?… HOLY HELL! I am sure they will be advocating that pregnant women dress like great Cath Kidston tea cosies. We simply must take a stand (stomps foot)!

They may get away with peddling their Fun skirts and Hotch Potch tankinis in locations choc full of females riddled with postnatal depression (looks around nervously), but now they intend to hoist their wares onto unsuspecting women who are not yet prisoners in their own homes, ground down by exhaustion and bruised by sharp elbows… (wails).

Anyhow (blows nose loudly), I have been expressing my views on fashion sur this blog and on Twitter, and lucky old me, I was invited along to a photo shoot for the Spring Summer 2011 collection by none other than the fabulous Baukjen de Swaan Arons, founder of Isabella Oliver this evening (smirk). What a day I have had! Take That were in the studio just next door having a photo shoot!!! I almost got to see Gary, King of all Barlows! He is a happily married daddy, and it would be sooo wrong and unfair if he happened to fall head over heels in love with moi, so I occupied myself admiring the tailoring, coveting the accessories, fingering the fine fabrics and pouring a bottle of Krug down my neck… I was not permitted to photograph any of the clothes to share with you, they are all top secret you see (damn!).

While perfect Baukjen answered the phone, I took over for her as director of the shoot, and all of my evenings avec baby girl Freya, watching America’s Next Top Model paid off!

“Give me steely confidence sweetie, I want to see dead behind the eyes…

OK try smiling, let me see sensitive, approachable, serene in your mouth, but keep the eyes arrogant and emotion free, like a cat watching a mouse, and stand tall like a ballerina, yes, lean forward slightly darling, give me ‘in your face.’

Perch on one foot, look casual, open body language and for God’s sake give me some attitude.
Someone turn on the wind machine…and find a damn bassoon?

Let me have angular, no not in the face, in the elbows… sharp elbows darling. Very school gates! Very Dulwich sweetie.”

What a hoot!

I can’t really understand why they asked me to leave…

I was having such fun. I love to stretch the models, I heard Tyra say that it helps them to grow… did I mention that the models are ten foot tall already?

I love Why, That’s Delightful – don’t you?

I found this on the net and now Freya wants a cat. The thing is, I don’t think that there is another cat quite like Maru!

There is something about my darling mother that will always bring out the badly behaved child in my (laughs socks off). The pope is visiting the UK soon, and she is making all manner of special plans to celebrate this special event.

I have been playing this clip all evening, just because I know I shouldn’t… I am such a bad girl! Brenda will slap my legs when she sees it!

Hurrah!

The summer holidays finally came to an end this morning (sigh), when at last, we successfully prized the school gates back open. Dulwich parents were truly running out of ways to occupy our super intelligent progeny! I have coaxed the poppets up the Eiffel Tower by describing it as an enormous play frame for the last time – shame there was no slide at the top as promised. Who knew? They won’t fall for that trick again.

We sent them camping in Antrim, to admire the basalt column rock formations with my mother – well it rains there, doesn’t it sweetie? Moisture plays havoc with my hair.

They had fun. I can’t do everything with them, can I?… I am a working mother (pouts).

So, this morning my perfect angel set off for her first full day at big girl school…OHMYGOD! I have been preparing for months! No expense has been spared (smirk).

I had considered strapping a horse box to the back of the Range Rover and dressing from head to toe in Barbour (indicating old money), cladding the outside of the car with bicycles and canoes (implying a sporty family) – but exercise really isn’t me… Then a jet ski, too blingtastic? Do you think? – Holy hell! How to set the right tone. If you think deeply about things, as I do, you want to give your poppet just the right start, it was agonising!

In the end, my seven year old baby girl insisted on traveling to school by scooter – DAMN (stomps foot)! I am in complete agony (whimper). I don’t do flat shoes and I walked at least a mile in my new 3 inch patent wedges. When we arrived at the school, we were surrounded by 17 year old pupils, with skorts no bigger than my baby’s!!!

I almost inhaled my own vomit!

James commented that the expense of the “skorts” had all been worthwhile, as Freya will never ever require a new one. Skorts are not skirts, said with a posh accent you know, they are skirts and shorts integrated! If you ask me, some of the long limbed and pert teenage girls we saw this morning should have their skorts sewn onto their vests for good measure!

I refuse to allow my baby to become a teenager, and if she does, there is always boarding school.

My poppets had NEVER been to MacDonalds before this summer, and then I asked my mother to help me to look after my poppets while I work (sigh).

THREE TIMES IN ONE WEEK!!! It’s a tad too often, don’t you agree?

This burger is 4 years old.

Join me and boycott this poison factory (stomps foot).

This cheered me up today, I am so relieved to say that I can still smile, I am an emotional wreck…

The poppets’ school holidays have dragged gone on for far too long an age and at long last soon my spoiled exhuberant young brats darlings will be back at their desks HURRAH!

I am running out of agencies prepared to find aupairs for me that I can trust to find me good staff. I have been through 14 aupairs so far this summer (whimper). They don’t seem to realise that challenging behaviour a curious nature is a sign of the fact that they need a slapped bottom intelligence.

Working full-time during the long summer holidays is the one thing that keeps me sane can be so very difficult.

Normal blogging service will resume soon…

I have always held a torch for Gary Barlow (prrr), but having just watched his new video, I am rather alarmed by his new “bromance” with Robbie Williams… I do hope that Robbie is not a bad influence (OHMYGOD!).

I am just grateful that I still have Ray Winstone and Huw Edwards to dream about (wipes tear from eye).

Apparently, “style icon” Nicola from Girls Aloud (“loud” is entirely appropriate when referring to this gaggle of females I feel) has launched her own make-up range called “Dainty Doll”…

OHMYGOD!

When did being famous entitle these people to tote themselves as style icons?

What is she wearing?

And as for her little friends…

Did a fire alarm go off while they were playing dress-up in Primark?

Watch out for these pesky members of the clergy, they will do anything to get down with our kids… OHMYGOD!!!