The children at my daughter’s school are so very clever (grinds teeth). It seems like only yesterday that my baby girl bounced in the front door and announced that she had won the annual school poetry competition…

Oh yes, after that we had weeks of stress (dabs tear from eye).

The poppet claimed to have been shocked to have won the competition, amazed as she had no recollection of entering the competition at all. She was, she claimed, entirely unfamiliar with the rhyme submitted in her name (looks guiltily at husband)… For weeks she threatened to expose us, right up until parents evening when she recited the poem for the damn governors. James feared he had developed a gastric ulcer! Freya was the lucky owner of a new iPad (grinds teeth).

Today as I stood at the school gates, next to a perfect mummy who I know so well. Her darling bounced out of the school gates and announced: “Mummy, I appear to have won the school poetry competition!”

“Good for you sweetie” chirped her mother, kissing the poppet heartily on the cheek. “But mummy, I haven’t seen that poem before”… OHMYGOD!

Nothing is new (smirk). These poppets are clever enough to extort money from their parents but not clever enough to write their own damn poetry (shakes fist at sky). Bill Gates is laughing at us from the heavens.

My darling poppet, Freya, tripped out from school on Friday, deep in conversation with a dimpled, pint sized chum;

“I feel it is unfair that Olympia has clearly stolen her poem for the poetry competition from a book.”

“I believe the practice is referred to as plagiarism” added Iris, very seriously (I should speak to her mother, she is developing a frown line).

“It is supposed to be original work, that is the entire point of the competition!” asserted Freya. “That poem is far too good for an eight year old girl to have written. It makes a mockery of the entire competition, it is not an even playing field”, her little face going red and her voice becoming raised (I can see a career as an international human rights lawyer with reach!).

“Exactly my point” cried Iris. “Why can’t Olympia have her father write the poem like everyone else”…

OHMYGOD!

NOTE TO SELF: Speak to James – URGENTLY! If my poppet is to succeed in life, she needs to get a taste for winning from her early years. Freya may never achieve a thing in life if we don’t take drastic action (dabs tear from eye)! James will have to personally complete her homework for the foreseeable future, clearly!

It is the age we live in sweeties (dabs tear from eye)…

Apparently all of this social media is terribly now and down with the kids!

“Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with assholes.”

William Gibson

At the school gates this morning, I bumped into a sobbing Imogen, who admitted that she thinks she has developed Tourettes!

“You don’t have Tourettes darling” I reasoned. “You have children!”

“If having children makes women swear, why do you always seem so serene?” she blubbed.

“Because I have help,” I replied.

Pass the corkscrew…

I know how chaotically busy it can be; juggling the needs of an Alpha husband with high achieving progeny (they will get a Grade 8 violin and captaincy of the First Rugby Team for their UCAS forms if I have to tote the damn rugby ball over the try line while playing a scale myself), homework assignments galore to carry out for their top performing schools (I am running out of Pritt Stick and it isn’t even Book Week yet!) and still, we are required to set the trend at the school gate and in the board room ourselves (dabs tear from eye)!

Well, help is at hand – cunning little me has done London Fashion Week so you don’t have to! On Saturday I skipped along to Vauxhall Fashion Scout – London’s largest independent fashion showcase, where I was lucky enough to spend time observing the work of Lan Nguyen, who is currently Professional National Make-up Awards Winner 2011! As a guest of The Body Shop, I experienced the buzz and excitement backstage at Jacob Kimmie and Lako Bukia! It was completely amazing and everything I hoped it would be (note to self: buy a clothes steamer appliance for the housekeeper)!

Quite apart from the fact that I fell in love with several amazing pieces myself – and take note here that monochrome and sheer is the way to go next season (I have placed my order already!), up-do’s rule and gloss is the way forward (but we knew that already!), there are a couple of key points I am keen to share with my inner circle!

I loved the uber glossy dark polished nails that were created using Orly products (polish in Blackout and Instant Artist Nail Art Striper in Firey Red), with bright red semi-circles created using freehand. Yes indeed, super creative – but nail art is not for everyone and actually, we are far more SE21 than SW2!

In order to avoid getting stuck in a make-up bag rut (sticking with last years colours, textures and techniques, particularly when it comes to eye makeup can prove to be frightfully aging), a thick slick line above the upper lashes with liquid or gel is now essential and lush, black, long lashes are key. When one is no longer twenty, a sharp line can prove to be as enhancing as a face lift, so if you don’t have a magnifying mirror, you will have to dash to The Mother Ship (Peter Jones) first thing on Monday!

Learn how to create a smoky eye, it is an essential life skill (looks serious).

The lovely Lan Nguyen has worked with a long list of upcoming designers to create an individual look for each and from what I observed, there was an obvious, recurrent theme.

The events are sponsored by The Body Shop and all of the make-up looks I saw were achieved using their products which makes cutting edge incredibly accessible. Indeed, it is positively eco-chic if you consider their ethical retailer status!

“Well done you” shrieked Usha. “How much weight have you lost over the summer? That can’t have been good for your heart. You must feel sooo much healthier now”…

MWAH, Mwah!

“Crikey, I hadn’t seen you there. I always mistake you for your husband. The family resemblance between you two really is incredible” answered Judith, without missing a single beat.

OH MY GOD! The school gates are simply barbed.

“Café Rouge or Gastronomia?” chirped Usha.

“Café Rouge” replied Judith.

“Race you there…”

For women with so much anger, their faces show so little emotion. Is that Botox, Prozac or both?

In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I’ve noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten or ignored the importance of capitalisation.

For those of you who fall into this category, please take note:

“Capitalisation is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse. ”

Shame on Mr Byrne for sending me this very rude message…

Twitter can be such a distraction, don’t you agree?