DESPERATE TIMES
Posted by dulwichmum on Tue 30 September 2008
These are such trying times for Dulwichmums everywhere (sigh). I have received some valuable advice via email from my chums.
Hold on tight girls, we could be in for a bumpy ride!
IMPORTANT HEALTH ADVICE FOR WOMEN
Do you have feelings of fear and anxiety?
Do you suffer from depression?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or
pharmacist about White Wine.
White Wine is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident
about yourself and your actions. White Wine can help ease you out of your
shyness and let you tell the world that you’re ready and willing to do
just about anything.
You will notice the benefits of White Wine almost immediately and with a
regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you
from living the life you want to live.
Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover
many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with
White Wine. White Wine may not be right for everyone. Women who are
pregnant or nursing should not use White Wine. However, women who wouldn’t
mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.
Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration,
erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of
money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache,
dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night
rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.
WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may make you think you are whispering when
you are not.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may cause you to tell your friends over and
over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are
really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~! ~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may make you think you can logically
converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may create the illusion that you are
tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NOW JUST IMAGINE WHAT YOU COULD ACHIEVE WITH RED WINE!!!
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Funny that...
Frog in the Field said,
I haven’t laughed so much since we last spoke on the phone.
Jusy bloody brilliant…I think this could be the best post you’ve written.
I will of course now have to be airlifted to hospital because I can no longer breathe or stop coughing…do send me flowers darling, and if I don’t return, be safe in the knowledge I died laughing!
dulwichmum said,
Perfect Frog,
I can not claim responsibility for writing the wine post myself, it has been sent to me by my great chum Vicki, originally from her good friend Frances. Like a great vino – too good not to share! Thanks sweetie. I am at home now – give me a bell. I am just opening a bottle. x
The Rev. said,
Could the same pieces of advice/warning be translated to Whiskey for Men? Methinks probably…
dulwichmum said,
Sweet Reverend,
I would imagine it could! Be careful now, if my mother spots a protestant on my site she will close me down… Would you object if I altered your name to “Father”?
kitschen pink said,
Does this translate to sloe gin? In the spirit of credit crunch thriftyness we have rather a lot stewing in the cupboard – a very little goes a long way!
(Wouldn’t your mother know it wasn’t your father but an imposter?) t.x
Teenage Rampage said,
printed this off for my mum and i swer i have never sene her cry or laugh so hard-brilliant!
valley girl said,
Forget white wine, why not upgrade to manzanilla sherry? looks like white wine, feels like white wine, but works up to twice as fast! White wine 2.0!
Daddy Papersurfer said,
Encouraging the drinking culture so blatantly! – they’ll be serving alcoholic beverages at the next private view at Dulwich Gallery if somebody doesn’t make a stand …………. vodka martini please – with a green olive [pitted]
………… or a cup of cocoa, whichever is more convenient – I don’t want to be a burden ………
Daddy Papersurfer said,
What’s the Reverentialvicarmylordship doing here!!!! ……… shocking
Adventure Mother said,
Darling Dulwich Mum, thank you so much for warning me about that awful white wine stuff, I almost had a glass last night. Thank goodness I opted for red!
Hadriana said,
Red wine is my poison of choice! Then again when in Spain try “agua de Valencia”. Agua de Valencia ingredients:
For approximately 1 litre/1¾ pints
- 1 bottle of Cava – Spanish champagne
- Orange Juice – freshly squeezed if possible but a carton works almost as well
- Cointreau
- Ice
(Warning: may create the delusion that table top flamenco dancing will not cause immediate hospitalisation of all parties within 10 metre radius.)
dulwichmum said,
Darling Kitschen Pink, Valley Girl and hadriana,
Isn’t alcahol simply marvellous!
Kind Teenage Rampage,
You are too kind.
Sweet Daddy,
What can I say? I know I should be ashamed of myself (hic)…
Sweet Adventure Mother,
I adore a tall glass of Chablis ever night. Don’t hold back now, you know it makes sense!
Manhattan Mama said,
Yes!!! Finally! Someone who speaks my language!
Expat Mum said,
You’ve been out of the town with Drunk Mummy again haven’t you?
dulwichmum said,
Oh Manhattan Mama,
Thank the Lord we found eachother!
Lovely Expat Mum,
Well she is my cyber sister sweetie!
ann said,
I can recommend drinking white wine up a mountain. It has a trillion times the potency! This is a good tip in these “Credit Crunch” times.
DulwichDivorcee said,
Darling Dulwich Mum,
Thank you for the warning! Thank goodness I only touch neat vodka these days ………xxxDD
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