Office Party plans…

Posted by dulwichmum on Mon 17 November 2008

Christmas can be such a stressful time for so many people, and with the current financial situation never far from our thoughts, it seems that this year’s celebrations could be doubly anxiety provoking. Some people are already clearly under excessive strain…

FROM: Imogen Hewitt-Jones, Director of Human Resources
TO: All Employees
DATE: 10th November, 2008
RE: Christmas Party

Dear all,

I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place at lunch time on 18th December, starting at noon in the private function room at the American Grill House. There will be a Christmas tree, a free bar and plenty of drinks.

We have arranged for a small brass band to play traditional carols, please feel free to sing along, and don’t be surprised if the MD shows up dressed as Santa Claus! Exchange of gifts is scheduled to take place at 1pm (please note: individual draws to organise a “Secret Santa” scheme will take place in each department and no gift should cost more than £20.00 to ensure the giving of gifts easy for everyone’s pockets).

We apologise, but due to financial pressure this year, the gathering is for employees only.

Merry Christmas to you and your Family.

Imogen

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FROM: Imogen Hewitt-Jones, Director of Human Resources
TO: All Employees
DATE: 11th November, 2008
RE: Holiday Party

Dear Staff member,

Yesterday’s memo was never intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognise that Chanukah is an important holiday which coincides with Christmas and for this reason we have decided to re-name our celebration a ‘Holiday Party’. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will arrange an alternative music selection for your enjoyment.

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Imogen

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FROM: Imogen Hewitt-Jones, Director of Human Resources
TO: All Employees
DATE: 12th November, 2008
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table – you didn’t sign your name. I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, ‘AA Only’, you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore!

How do you propose that I accomodate this request?

Anybody?

Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange will be permitted as Union Officials feel that £20.00 is too much money and Management believe £20.00 is a little cheap.

Imogen

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FROM: Imogen Hewitt-Jones, Director of Human Resources
TO: All Employees
DATE: 13th November, 2008
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I am happy to confirm that our party celebration this year does not take place during the Holy month of Ramadan.

However, following several anxious enquiries I have arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the pudding buffet and pregnant women will be allocated to the table closest to the toilets. Gays are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men’s table too.

To the person asking permission to cross dress – no cross dressing allowed (the manager of the restaurant objected).

There are booster seats available for short people. For those on a special diets I can confirm that there will be gluten free, lactose free and low cholesterol dishes on the menu. I have no influence over the quanitiy of salt their (apparently tempramental) chef uses in the preparation of the food, so I suggest those people with high blood pressure use their discretion. The restaurant do not offer ‘Sugar free’ puddings, but fresh fruit will be available as a dessert for diabetics.  I am making enquiries to see if the food is prepared in a nut free environment.

Sorry for my earlier oversights. Every effort has been made to accommodate everyone.

Imogen

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FROM: Imogen Hewitt-Jones, Director of Human Resources
TO: All Employees
DATE: 14th November, 2008
RE: The F****ing Holiday Party

Vegetarian pricks I’ve had it with you people!!!

We’re going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the ‘grill of death’, as you so quaintly put it, you’ll get your f***ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes, But you know tomatoes have feelings too, They scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing the scream right NOW!! I hope you all have a rotten holiday, drink drive and die.

The Bitch from HELL!!!

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FROM: James Benson (Acting Director of Human Resources Director)
TO: All Employees
DATE: 17th November, 2008
RE: Imogen Hewitt-Jones and The Holiday Party

Dear All,

I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Mrs Hewitt-Jones a speedy recovery, and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.

James Benson.

OHMYGOD!!!