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I am the one and only…
By dulwichmum | December 13, 2009
I took annual leave on Friday to supervise the preparations for Christmas. Yes I have enlisted the assistance of My Girl Friday, dedicated to the hunt for Gogo hamsters and the procurement of appropriate festive adornments for my home, not to mention the interior designer, personal trainer, housekeeper, cleaner, au pair and my mother (in order of importance) swinging from ladders, spitting thumb tacks, replacing blown fuses and hunting the faulty fairy light bulb (yawn)… I soon realised that a few extra provisions were essential, and absconded for a quick swizz around Waitrose, before the munchkins were collected from school (not by me, clearly!).
What a revelation! A midweek, daytime trip to the supermarche is just as competitive as the school gate (clutches chest)… It all began as I perused the fruit and veg, in search of a lemon. I was prodding an artichoke (what the hell does one do with an artichoke?), when a stuffy looking woman snatched a persimmon, from the display to my left, and barked; “I propagate the perfect artichoke, but one can’t grow everything ones-self”. OHMYGOD!
It was war…
I browsed the fine wines and selected a nice bottle of Burgundy for my man, when from no-where, she chimed in with; “I suppose that should be good enough for cooking” (gulp)… She pursued me from one side of the store to the other, and even queued next to me at the checkout! The frozen featured hag popped a pack of organic cereal bars on the conveyor belt and hissed: “My son deserves a treat, he just sat a grade exam for violin”.
“My tiny Max too” I chirped, “Grade 1, and only 8 years old!”
“My son is not yet 8 and he has taken grade 2” she gloated. “His music teacher says he should audition for The National Children’s Orchestra”.
Oh dear, you poor love” I commiserated. “I would put a stop to that right now. An appreciation of culture is one thing, but devote too much time to music at this age and he could end up busking in tube stations sporting an assortment of dubious body piercings” (ha!). She almost choked on her forked tongue!
As we stormed through the car park, full length (Joseph) shearling coats billowing behind us in the breeze, rain began to fall, she announced; “What a pair of competitive Dulwichmums we are”, stopping beside her identical Audi Q7.
I snapped my fingers and a pair of trolley boys appeared from no-where and lugged my shopping into the boot. I placed a £5 note in the breast pocket of each of their shirts and laughed: “It is our ability to delegate appropriately, that separates us from the animals. And there is only one Dulwichmum sweetie!” before hopping into my capacious luxury vehicle and motoring out of the car park leaving her with with a face like a rat catchers dog sucking a wasp!
Topics: Uncategorized | 8 Comments »
December 13th, 2009 at 20:42
Well handled (and delegated….) though a trifle concerned that there appears to be a wealth of Girls Friday now that I have ‘retired’ [gasp!]
December 13th, 2009 at 20:50
Perfect chum,
you know that the an increased availability of “those who do” simply means that it is more difficult for those of us who are time poor but cash rich (smirk) to find the perfect help! You were busy, so where could I turn for help? Can I just say that I thoroughly recommend Ebonie, she really is a great girl Friday, you were such a hard act to follow (wipes tear from eye).
December 13th, 2009 at 22:25
That’s right you tell her……..you have to keep reminding me that I now drive a bus and no longer have my lovely Q7! Sob
December 14th, 2009 at 08:01
Domestic goddesque, anytime you feel like ‘unretiring’ for a bit, let me know; fantastic Girl Fridays are hard to come by, and I pride myself on being one of the brilliant ones, and my ever expanding team, are also the encapsulation of supercalafragalisticexpialidocious!!
Bea, thank you!!
December 15th, 2009 at 11:25
Goodness, that was you? Apologies if I sounded brusque, but as you say, it’s war out there. Anyway, toodlepip, just off to turn the compost.
December 15th, 2009 at 15:51
Everyone needs a girl friday but Ebonie is in England, no? So I am left feeling frazzled with crimbo shopping etc. without an extra pair of arms. I am in awe of you being able to wear a shearling coat, I feel like I’d only have to put one on and I’d have spilt coffee all over it. I am happy to be an unfashionable pseduo-yank wearing a knee length black down stuffed anoraky thing (can be wiped down easily).
December 15th, 2009 at 21:30
Darling Chic Mama,
I am ashamed of myself for rubbing salt in the wound. I am actually incredibly sensitive usually (wail). I can’t imagine why I mentioned it…
Sweet Ebonie,
My Go go hamsters arrived today! Many thanks, Mwah x.
Lovely Angels and urchinsblog,
That was a stunning reply. Was it really you?
Oh EmmaK dear heart,
I fear that you may be on the slippery slope from anorack to Ugg boots (gasp), where is your self respect? Life is far too short to dress for comfort…
Cut back on your expenditure on batteries pour le lapin, and with the money you save, hire yourself a nanny! Before you know it, you can ditch the anorack and get yourself some luxury natural fabrics and underwiring (stomps foot).
Because you really are worth it!
December 16th, 2009 at 16:46
I appreciate that you are the equivalent of a fashionista religious fanatic trying to save me from myself but I think I may be a hopeless case. No I do not wear Uggs I wear a selection of high heeled or at least platform heeled boots in the snow and have fallen on my bum many times. But you must appreciate it is freezing here ergo you need these horrible anorak style coats plus hats and gloves – i won’t buy fancy gloves or hats cos I lose them. I will spend money on nice clothes but mainly lingerie because I can’t lose that ….well not these days anyway!