Missy

Posted by dulwichmum on Wed 4 August 2010

My super chum Teena over at Kitschen Pink sent this to me this morning, and I simply had to share it!

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.15am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Poster

Dear David,

I opened my full length glass frame-less, bi-folding French doors yesterday morning, and to my horror, my tiny baby cat got out and has been missing ever since! There are some drawbacks with owning one of the larger the garden flats on the ground floor afterall.

I was wondering, if you are not to busy, if you would kindly make a poster for me. It should be A4 and I will photocopy it and hang it up all over Dulwich this afternoon before I go to the theatre.

This is the only photo that I have of her. She answers to the name Missy and is black and white and about 8 months old. She went missing from my flat just downstairs and if you could add my phone number too, that would be perfect.

Thanks for being such a kind neighbour.

Many thanks Shan

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.26am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,

That is shocking news. Luckily I was sitting down when I read your email and not half way up the narrow stairs to my poky flat or up a tree. How are you holding up? I am surprised you managed to motivate yourself to get out of bed at all, what with agonising about Missy out there cold, frightened and alone… possibly lying on the side of the road, her back legs squashed by a vehicle, calling out “Shannon, where are you?”

Although I have two clients expecting completed work first thing this afternoon. I will, of course, drop everything and do whatever it takes to facilitate the speedy return of Missy.

Kind regards,
David

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.37am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Poster

Dear David,

Yes, OK thanks. I didn’t realise that you don’t like cats but I am really worried about mine. I have to leave for pre-theatre drinks by 5pm and she is still out there, alone.

Best wishes,

Shannon x

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.17am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,

I never said I don’t like cats. Once, having been invited to a party, I went clothes shopping beforehand and bought a pair of expensive G-Star trainers. They were two sizes too small but I wanted them so badly that I thought I could just wear them without socks and cut my toenails very short. As the party was only a short distance from my home, I decided to walk. After a few minutes, I lost all feeling in my feet.

Arriving at the party, I stumbled into this guy named Steven, spilling Malibu & coke onto his white Wham ‘Choose Life’ t-shirt, and he punched me on the nose. An hour or so after the incident, Steven sat down in a chair already occupied by a cat.

The surprised cat clawed and snarled causing Steven to leap out of the chair, slip on a rug and strike his forehead onto the corner of a speaker; resulting in a two inch open gash! In its’ shock, the cat also defecated, leaving Steven with a foul stain down the back of his beige cargo pants. I liked that cat.

Attached poster as requested.

Regards,

David

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.24am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear David,

Thanks for your effort, but that is not what I was looking for at all. It looks like a poster for a film and why is the photo of Missy so small?

Best wishes,

S

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.28am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,

It’s a design thing. The cat is lost in the negative space.

Regards,
D

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.33am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear David,

Are you making fun of me? This is simply frightful. My poor cat!

Can you do it properly please? I am extremely emotional over this, I didn’t sleep all night, I was in tears, trembling with anxiety.

You seem to think this is funny. OMG!

Can you make the photo bigger please and fix the text and do it in colour?

Thanks.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.46am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,

I assumed that you understood I would not welcome constructive criticism. I don’t come downstairs and tell you how to send text messages, log on to Facebook and spy on your neighbours out of the window.

I am willing to overlook this faux pas, due no doubt, to you being preoccupied with thoughts of Missy attempting to make her way home over busy crossroads or being trapped in a drain as it slowly fills with water. I spent three days down a well once but that was just for fun.

I have amended and attached the poster as per your instructions.

Regards,
David

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.59am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear David,

This is worse than the other one. Can you please show the whole photo of Missy and delete the text that says “Missing Missy” off it? I just want it to say “Lost”.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.14am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.21am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Hilarious. Can you do the poster or not?

I simply want a photo and the word “Lost” and my telephone number, when and where she went missing and her name. Not some arty, supposedly clever poster or anything stupid.

I have to go out early this evening. If it was your cat I would help you.

Thanks.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.32am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Awww

Dear Shannon,

I don’t have a cat. I once agreed to look after a friend’s cat for a week, but after he dropped it off at my flat and explained the concept of kitty litter, I kept the cat in a closed cardboard box in the garage and forgot about it. If I wanted to feed something and clean faeces, I wouldn’t have put my mother in that home after her stroke.

A week later, when my friend came to collect his cat, I pretended that I was not home and posted the box to him. Apparently I failed to put enough stamps on the parcel and he had to collect it from the post office and pay eighteen pounds. He still goes on about that sometimes, people need to learn to let go.

I have attached the amended version of your poster as per your detailed instructions.

Regards, David.

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.47am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Awww

David,

That’s not my cat. Where did you get that picture from? That cat is orange. I enclosed a photo of Missy.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.58am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Awww

I know, but that one is cute.

As Missy has quite possibly met any one of several violent ends, it is possible you might get a better cat out of this. If anybody calls and says “I haven’t seen your orange cat but I did find a black and white one with its hind legs run over by a car, do you want it?” You can politely decline and save yourself a costly vets bill.

I knew someone who had a basset hound that had its hind legs removed after an accident and it had to trot about with one of those little buggies with wheels. If it had been my dog I would have asked for all its legs to be removed and replaced with wheels and had a remote control installed. I could charge local children for rides and enter it in races. If I did the same with a horse I could drive it to work. I would call it Steven.

Regards, David.

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.07pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Please just use the photo I gave you.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.22pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.34pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

I didn’t say there was a reward. I don’t have £2000 and why have you offered dollars? What did you even put that there for? Apart from that, it is perfect can you please remove the offer of a reward.

Thanks,
Shan

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.42pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.51pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Can you just please take the reward bit off altogether? I have to leave to pin it up shortly and I still have to make photocopies.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.56pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 1.03pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Fine. That will have to do.