Not the only gay in the village…

Posted by dulwichmum on Sat 30 October 2010

I was home incredibly late from work last night, I had an urgent requst from Pippa to meet for drinks. She was so terribly distressed (bless)! When I arrived at The Blue Bar in The Berkeley, Pip was weeping openly into her Mojito, she hadn’t even touched her assorted Artisan Tuscan nibbles.

“Its Columbus sweetie. Look, I am trembling with anxiety!” she blubbed, thrusting out her hand and shaking it about. “I fear I am going to die of a broken heart.”

“OHMYGOD! Whatever has happened,” I shrieked, “and now that the baby boy has finally returned from uni too” (putting a hand on her shoulder and shielding her big red face from public view)…

“If only it were that simple”, she wept. “Columbus told me this morning that he is a g…homosexual – OHMYGOD,” as she choked back the tears.

“But darling”, I chirped, “you should be celebrating, surely! He is still your little Columbus! At least now you know you will never have to share him with another woman – now that would be unbearable,” I reasoned.

“It is not as though Columbus is leading a double life; working in the city by day, passing himself off by night as a pre-op transgender call girl – or locking himself in a large red acrylic North Face holdall in the bath of his rented Pimlico flat, like so many other clever chaps these days, now is it? Where is the harm sweetie?. London is incredibly cosmopolitan, Columbus is actually incredibly mainstream.”

“Good point”, she sniffed, “It is just … I couldn’t bear it if he took to having spray tans, wearing dark sunglasses in the house and sporting those vile Dolce and Gabanna boxer shorts, with his jeans at half mast”, indicating the dropped waist line with a hand gesture.

I laughed like a drain. “Oh darling, Columbus is far too Stephen Fry for that. What you are describing is not gay, it is just common! He has been brought up in Dulwich sweetie, not The London Borough of Lewisham! Anyhow, he has always had such fabulous taste in clothes, we really should have known. He will not be the only gay in The Village!”

PLEASE NOTE: Peter Andre is not gay just common

(No Ratings Yet)

 Loading ...

Comments: Read the First Comment

• 

  Sam said,

  I think this is in bad taste – even taking into account the alter-ego parodying type nature of your otherwise excellent work. If you wanted to send up Dulwich Mum’s homophobia I still think you could have used a couple of less extreme or more to the point, less raw (as in both these people have very recently died horrible deaths) examples.

Add A Comment

Name (required)

Mail (will not be published) (required)

Website

Notify me of followup comments via e-mail